things are not going as well as one would hope. with friendship crisises, too much school work, spinning mind and recurring "food issues".
i've taken two weeks off of therapy (one of the weeks is up). my reason behind this is because i always leave therapy feeling like i haven't said what it is i need to say, mostly because i don't know what it is that i need to be saying. i want a chance to do some "soul searching" and find out what it is that i really need. thus far, i've had a hard time finding the time to journal as i had planned. i wish i could take more time off, there's something about the therapy process that i'm just don't comfortable with anymore. i'm tired of talking. especially when talking only leads to me feeling like shit.
i've written several letters to my renfrew women, but have yet to mail them - it's not one of my strong suits - but i promise they will be coming. i miss them, very much. not at all because i'm unhappy with the friends i have here, but more accurately because i feel so silly that i have such food issues in a environment that doesn't really understand (that environment being the rest of the world/agnes). i find myself only eating things that are "bad" for me when i do eat. i'm too embarrassed to buy ensure. i've slipped. i'm trying to hold on to what i learned about myself and what determination i had worked up.
i'm not sure if i wrote about going to a ANAD meeting last week. it was nice to be in one of those safe places, although it maybe structure that i need more than support. i'm ashamed to say that one of the strongest memories i have from said meeting was that i was the largest girl there - even though i've slipped since leaving treatment. more and more i feel like i was never "sick enough" to be "treated". logically i know it's not true
i've said it over and over again that hurt is hurt
but it's slipping. sometimes i want to prove that i'm worthy of worrying about, but i hold on to the fact that i HATE people worrying about me.
11 years ago
