i can stand up straight

it's been a long time since the last time i posted. it has been hard to write since julia's passing, each day that i put if off made it that much harder. for a long while, and even still at times, i couldn't think about having an eating disorder or food or be introspective in any way without going back to her. back to little julia. i hope in time i will be able to explain her beauty and do it justice.

it's been a year since i started this blog. it's weird how time passes. when i got my one year follow up survey from renfrew i couldn't open it. i never did. i just knew that it was the wrong thing at the wrong time. what it comes down to is this ... it's hard for me to look at how much has changed and even harder to look at what hasn't.

i've obviously grown and changed and learned much about myself and life, but i have also found my self walking in circle, thinking in circles and even trying to justify those circles.

i want to push through this.
i need to find peace.

as grief sets in

In loving memory of Julia Bliss.

(please click link)

hope is the thing with feathers

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

- Emily Dickinson

wishing all of you well

accompanied through our pain

i've been slacking and sadly not keeping up with this site.
for today i'd like to share something that a close friend sent to me. she sent it to me because she found strength in them thought that i might see it too. i'm giving them to you in hopes that you too will find that strength.
from my dear friend maggie:

it's okay to have a good day. really. it's okay to be doing okay and to feel like our life is manageable and on track. many of us have learned as part of our survival behaviors that the way to get the attention and approval we want is to be victims. if life is awful, too difficult, unmanageable, too hard, unfair, then others will accept, like, and approve of us, we think. we may have learned this from living and associating with people who also learned to survive by being a victim. we are not victims. we do not need to be victimized. we do not need to be helpless and out of control to get the attention and love we desire. in fact, the kind of love we are seeking cannot be obtained that way. we can get the love we really want and need by only owning our power. we learn that we can stand on our own two feet, even though it sometimes feels good to lean a little. we learn that the people we are leaning on are not holding us up. they are standing next to us. we all have bad days -- days when things are not going the way we'd like, days when we have feelings of sadness and fear. but we can deal with our bad days and darker feelings in ways that reflect self-responsibility rather than victimization. it's okay to have a good day too. we might not have as much to talk about, but we'll have more to enjoy

________________________

it is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves. we may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly -- feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we are not. we have a right to be here. we have a right to be ourselves. we are here. there is a purpose, a reason, and an intention for our life. we do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are. we are good enough, and deserving. others do not have our magic. we have our magic. it is in us. it doesn't matter what we've done in our past. we all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes and learning experiences. we have a right to our past. it is ours. it has worked to shape and form us. as we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good. we have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. be done with it. let it go. it is an unnecessary burden. others have rights, but so do we. we are neither less than nor more than. we are equal. we are who we are. this is who we were created and intended to be. that, my friend, is a wonderful gift.

love you.

and i love all you. i am blessed to have such people to lean on and i hope they find comfort in being able to lean back. more and more i'm learning that i can't expect myself to hold other people up just as i would never want them to carry the responsibility of holding me. but i am grateful for their support and their words. and i believe whole heartedly that this, all of this, will not be the end of us. we are too strong.
i hope that each of you will find april a new and refreshing month, that it's raindrops and storms will find you in peace.

one year ago . . .

for the past two years, it has been my job to take pictures of people during "love your body week" (which has successfully turned into "love you body month" here). the goal is to take pictures of people loving their bodies, identifying what they love. Some women choose their hair or their eyes and others venture on to say "i love everything," "i love my curves," or even "i love my body". as much as the forced social interaction stresses me out, it can be rewarding to see people who are so confident and even people who aren't so comfortable but manage to come up with something that they really do like about themselves. i like the project, i like the finished product, but i don't like how much it forces me to realize how uncomfortable i am.

me in 2008

i want to challenge myself, i want to say with confidence and honesty that i, too, love my body, that my insecurity is not in my figure or form. or maybe more realistically that my insecurity is not a hatred, that it will not limit me.

so how does one find solace in themselves when they are crippled by their self-judgment? is it a learning process? do you have to lie until you trick yourself into believe that you will be okay, that you are okay? or do you push through life looking for excuses to like yourself, outlets that make you feel like your life is worth something. that your body is worth something.

don't let me into this year with an empty heart

it's hard for me to believe that it's 2009, that time has managed to pass so quickly yet so slowly. it's been almost 6 months since i left renfrew, and my life has fluctuated up and down since my departure. when i left i was hopeful, scared but hopeful. i crashed in september and didn't climb out of my hole until late november. to this day i long to crash again. to be sick, to be good at being sick. but i can't be. there's so much that relies on me not being sick.
i look at myself everday and think that i am a failure. that i was no good at being ill yet no good at being well. i look at each of my "urges" as a weakness, each of my slips as a blessing yet a let down. i am conflicted and grateful that i don't own a full length mirror. i try to remind myself that i am so proud of the women i talk to everyday for pushing through, for fighting even when they don't want to fight anymore. i would never call them failures. i would never judge them because of their lapses, and i am lucky enough to have them, girls that would never judge me. girls who express faith in me.
with february comes "love your body month". a celebration of women and men who have defeated their eating disorders, a memorium for all those who have suffered and died. some days i wish that i could celebrate the month and be proud of who i am and what i have done. other days i find myself thinking that life would be easier if i let it all go.
regardless, i hope that this month gives the girls i love faith in themselves. it is an inspiration to hear from women who have overcome their eating disorders. i pray that each of you can use this month to find something wonderful in your and that you find the strength to hold on to it for dear life. this can be a dear life.

five hours and four minutes

here's hoping that this year is better than all those that came before it