take it to the limit one more time

so, i broke my winning streak. i suppose we all have our set backs
i met with the new school psychiatrist yesterday, and she really seemed to think that i wasn't trustworthy (ie she said she's going to have to learn how to trust me). the more she talked the more it sounded like she didn't think i was going to get better. yeah, i know that i don't really want it for me right now, but maybe i will. maybe the fact that i don't want to hurt other people is enough.
i'm so frustrated. last night talking to alex i expressed how pointless it all seems. that perhaps there actually isn't anything wrong with me. i just blow things out of proportion. maybe i am just an eating disordered perfectionist who thinks to hard about everything, who creates her own sadness. or maybe what's wrong with me is that i'm a masochist, i'm sure it's not normal to want to hurt.
i feel like i've messed up a lot and that there really isn't anyone else to blame. i stopped talking to my sister like i used to, i don't talk to my friends from highschool, i don't have the attention span to do school anymore, and i don't know what it's like to not be tired anymore.
when did i become such a downer?