a huge hit

i hope that everyone is doing well, or atleast better than they have been if well is too much to ask. it scares me that some of the girls i met this summer are struggling so much. it's interesting to me that we can have faith in everyone but ourselves. what makes us so different?

since i was given the "get well or don't go back to school" ultimatum, but life has been up and down. it's hard for me to stay dressed in "real clothes" - usually within a few hours i'm back in sweat pants and loose t-shirts. i'm just uncomfortable and would prefer to not see myself as i gain weight. on the plus side, this has been a pretty decent week food wise. i'm trying to eat like a did at renfrew - lots of salads, tofu and apple juice. if i'm going to do this, i want to do it right so that i don't end up just as bad but on the other side of the spectrum. not that it's any worse, but just because i feel like it's my responsibility to recover. i do wish that i could have more support or that this ultimatum and health risk had come to me before renfrew. maybe i would have gotten more out of it, tried harder, wanted it more. it makes me sad that i lost that determination, that maybe i was just fooling myself.

maybe this is the kick in the ass that i need.