questions

July 10th

"Today, for the first time in my life, I actually watched the clock. I just sat and watched it, on and off for 30 minutes. It was kind of grounding. I could tap my toes with each second. no time could slip by unnoticed"

i think i mentioned before that i kept a journal at renfrew. i wrote everyday, not as much as i could/should have, but i didn't want to waste any knowledge i could gain about myself. i tend to write when i'm unhappy which is why my current journal only contains sporadic self-deprecating tidbits of my day to day life. but i tried to write about everything.

i remember that hour pretty well. i was in the upstairs living room (a place that way easy to have to yourself) waiting to see dr rosenburg (see previous entry). it was during those slow afternoon hours before dinner, those 3 hours that are too long for comforting rest and too short for sleep. so i sat there. i challenged myself. i haven't been able to focus for the longest time. i brought at least 10 books to renfrew with me and managed to read less than a dozen pages. i wanted to prove to myself that i have some control especially since i was in a place that was taking away the coping mechanisms i've relied upon for years. as i sat there tapping my toes, my eyes would occasionally wander. i figuratively smacked myself and refocused. don't let it slip away. you've let years slip away. it's kind of a surreal feeling, the ability to capture time. as i tried to own life, i found myself grounded yet lifted. i knew that this was the present, that i was not stuck in yesterday or yesteryear. i was not anticipating the horror that could be that evening or the next day, i was where i should be... but i was not living. i was staring at a clock. pulsing with each tick. accomplishing nothing. being the nobody i've allowed myself to become.

i want to learn how to live. i hate being so trite, but i don't know how to better explain it. i get caught in the past, frozen in bad memories or dreams, distracted by shortcomings and then fast forward to the pathetic tragedy that could be my future. how do i move past my self-loathing and destruction?

i ask a lot of questions, but i think it's because i want to conjure up all the mysteries that are my life.