breaking down barriers

Third full day away...

I'm trying to set intentions for myself, sort of like the hokey stone welcome in Thursday morning community. First and foremost I intend to stay out of treatment, or perhaps more fittingly I intend to never be in a place where I really need it again. I know that I put my family through hell. They fought so hard for me to stay in treatment and I really could never ask for that again.

On a deeper level, I'm hoping that Renfrew has opened a window for me. In my last art therapy session, we did a piece about hope. My picture (which now lies in the wonderful hands of Leah) is divided by a chain. I was trying to express that I've come to terms with never being one of those solidly happy or content people and that the best I can hope for are some vivid moments -- this realization was come to with much help -- and that I can either turn my depression outward through art and writing and reaching out to people, or I can keep it in like I've done for so long. Thus, I can use the chains to tie myself down or I can use them to symbolize connection with others. My wish is that I will not let the last month go in vain, that I'll keep writing, drawing, and talking.

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I kept a journal the whole time that I was at Renfrew, numbering the days... writing much more on some than others. I'm not sure what my original intentions were. I was unhappy, writing down my weight from each morning weigh-in and scribbling about how I didn't deserve to be there or how guilty I was feeling. I felt like I didn't belong. The only people I had managed to have conversations with were significantly younger than me and for some reason this concerned me. As time passed, I realized that these were the best women I was going to meet.
I'm so grateful that I got to stay as long as I did. I cried a lot, I laughed a lot, I had my shenanigans, but I also made connections that I've never managed to make before. I have always been one of those fortunate people with great, supportive friends. And by no means am I displacing them, my love remains the same. I guess the thing is, I never imagined that I would want any more. I had enough love, I didn't "deserve" (count how many times you hear that word in treatment) any more. But there are a hand full (or two) of women that I met at this place who weaseled their way into my heart.