it was a big cat

I suppose you could call today an off day.
I woke up late and slept through much of the afternoon. I just don't want to be involved with people, but at the same time I don't want to be alone. It was my best friend from high school's birthday and I was nervous about seeing people post-treatment. A lot of people didn't really know what happened. I ended up not eating dinner, somewhat consciously. I'm just scared, I guess.
At any rate, I went to my friends house, and a couple minutes after I got there an old friend walked in and said "Oh my god, what happened to your arm??". Someone responded that I got into a fight with a cat, I quietly corrected them with "tiger". That was that until the majority of the group left and Chris asked what really happened. I told them they could ask questions if they wanted, but I think everyone is just uncomfortable. I understand that it's unfamiliar territory for a lot of them, but I in turn feel uncomfortable.
Leah called while I was there, a nice escape from the room. I'm so glad that she's opening up to me at times. This girl has been through a lot for someone who's 17. She's not nearly as proud of the work she's done as she should be. So many times I've heard girls with eating disorders say "I wish I could just see it myself" when people say nice things about them. I wonder if it's not that we can't see it, but instead that we've seen it and told ourselves that it's not true enough times that it seems real. Perhaps the logic behind it doesn't matter, and we just need to "fake it until we make it" (as much as I hate that saying).
Leah got me to thinking about how one of my old therapist used to say "it's not who you are, it's just what you're going through" to me all the time. At first I hated it, as I hate many of those cliche psychobabble words and phrases like "self care" and what have you. But with time, I was saying it to myself. I've let my depression, self-injury, and eating disorder define how I view myself for so long. I can't understand why I would let this happen when I know that I would never judge someone else by their past like I judge myself. Sometimes it really helps to just remind myself that it's not who I am. Or maybe, more accurately that I may be those things, but I am also much more. I'm a sister, a friend, a student, a self-injurer and a tree-hugger. I'm an artist, a daughter, an anorexic or bulimic, and a feminist. Somehow, those seemingly negative things tend to outshine the positive or neutral characteristics and from time to time (or all the time) I need to step back and realize that I don't want to limit myself to how I feel or what I've done. I can be more.
Well, I promised Leah I would eat... so it looks like fake hot dogs for me.