i must learn to love the fool in me

it's hard to believe that it's been almost two weeks since I left treatment. on one hand time has seemed to pass relatively quickly but on the other each day seems so long and I feel like I haven't seen those girls I love in such a long time.
I'm having trouble sticking with my "meal plan". I caught in the struggle of whether or not I should be spending my time making sure I meet my exchanges or whether or not I should just eat as I please. Sometimes I tell myself that it shouldn't really matter as long as I don't purge. I guess, in those times it seems rational. Yeah, it's big step... but could I really say that I'm recovering if I don't fight it all? I just imagine that over time the restricting would be so much worse. I haven't been hungry in over a month - I'm sure this is due to the fact that I was somewhat forcefed large amounts for five weeks. I don't enjoy food. Before I left Renfrew I was asked what my favorite food was and I just stared off. Blank. I had to settle for what I used to love, and even the thought of it made me feel ill. That was the night I cried through the cooking group. The night before I left. I bet anyone who saw me then questioned my "progress". Nonetheless, I can't imagine being the college student whose Ensure is in the community refrigerator nor can I imagine that I'll be getting the nutrients I need with out it. I suppose I'll have to spend the next couple of weeks deciding how dedicated I am and how I'm going to show my dedication.
In other news, I went shopping with my aunt and grandmother today. I was so fucking nervous. The last time I went shopping was at the King of Prussia Mall where I had semi-meltdowns in the dressing rooms of Free People and American Apparel. I think it's the masochistic side of me that tries on things that have the most potential to be unflattering. Almost like it's a way to prove that I'm unattractive. I told myself that I wasn't going to buy anything/try anything on today, but I did. I probably shouldn't have. I probably shouldn't fit into the pants that I bought. And I was probably testing myself by even trying on that size... but they did fit and in some way I was proud of myself for even trying them on. And if they happen to not fit in the near future, they were on super clearance so it won't be too bad.
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I can't wait to go to New York to be with my sister. I love my family and I love West Virginia, but there's something in the air here that makes my mind turn. I never feel like I'm in the right place. I wonder if I'll ever change.