the cranberry juice here just isn't the same

Two and a half weeks.
It's really hard for me to hear about these girls that I really care about struggling. I definitely want to hear it if it's true, it just makes me so sad. It's interesting how so many of us have a hard time dealing with other people being in pain, but we (especially I) put ourselves through pain needlessly.
I wish I knew the things to say to help. I know that I can't "fix" people, but I've always been someone who just wants other people to be happy. Some of my earliest memories are of praying for other people to be healthier and happier. On my birthdays, I would wish for my little brother to have a happy childhood, and at a really young age I remember asking God to kill me instead of my dogs sick puppies. I didn't want to die, I just hated to see the pain they were going through. Visiting my grandfather in the hospital was really hard on me, and I do feel guilty for not seeing him more. It seems that sometimes my longing for others to be well can end up making me feel worse.
There are so many girls I met at Renfrew that it pained me to see having a hard time or crying. I know that often times tears can be a good thing, I just wish that I could do something so that they don't have a reason to cry.
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I'm looking forward to going to school. I think that the structured meals will be really good for me, because I've definitely had problems sticking to this meal plan. I'm just so tired of food, it's hard to eat when you're never hungry-especially when you have to fix the food for yourself. I really really do want to get through this. I was talking to my therapist about being afraid of having to return to some sort of residential treatment and she pointed out that eating disorders are in some ways like addictions and that for most alcoholics it takes an average of three treatments for them to really recover. I don't want to settle on the fact that I don't have to get better now because the odds aren't really on my side, but I hope that if it comes to be a necessity that I'll be able to look past my pride and realize that it's not a failure. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm rambling.
I'm kind of lonely