and in the morning....

mfg:
wow, how weird is it to go back to the only place that is actually associated with your "recovery". i have to say that my journey back wasn't exactly what one would have desired. i threw up most of the way and ended up spending a few hours cold and lonely in chestnut hill. really that part was pretty terrible and left more than one person concerned for my safety.
mfg itself was good. short (we were late). it's very different to be there from an "outsider's" perspective (ie not knowing all the community drama and such). it was good to see people though while at the same time hard to see everyone having such a hard time. i really do wonder how recovery works. some people try so goddamn hard and life still keeps kicking them in the ass. i just want to make it better
after mfg we snuck down to the pink house and saw annette and fran, which was wonderful. they're the kind of positive people who make me feel like a healthy life is a achievable. there were so many other people i wish i could have seen, but for now this will have to do.

the more recent future:
i'm sick. tomorrow i'm going to see i gi doc because i've been throwing up for such a long time. i'm nervous - partially because i've already been stuck with enough needles and really i don't want to be probed and who knows what else and partially because i keep thinking about the commitments i need to make to myself. yeah odds are, i'm fine. but what if i'm really not that well off? what if i get one of those if you don't give up your eating disorder symptoms you're going to kill yourself ultimatums? am i that capable?

right now i feel too out of it to write anything coherent.