questions

July 10th

"Today, for the first time in my life, I actually watched the clock. I just sat and watched it, on and off for 30 minutes. It was kind of grounding. I could tap my toes with each second. no time could slip by unnoticed"

i think i mentioned before that i kept a journal at renfrew. i wrote everyday, not as much as i could/should have, but i didn't want to waste any knowledge i could gain about myself. i tend to write when i'm unhappy which is why my current journal only contains sporadic self-deprecating tidbits of my day to day life. but i tried to write about everything.

i remember that hour pretty well. i was in the upstairs living room (a place that way easy to have to yourself) waiting to see dr rosenburg (see previous entry). it was during those slow afternoon hours before dinner, those 3 hours that are too long for comforting rest and too short for sleep. so i sat there. i challenged myself. i haven't been able to focus for the longest time. i brought at least 10 books to renfrew with me and managed to read less than a dozen pages. i wanted to prove to myself that i have some control especially since i was in a place that was taking away the coping mechanisms i've relied upon for years. as i sat there tapping my toes, my eyes would occasionally wander. i figuratively smacked myself and refocused. don't let it slip away. you've let years slip away. it's kind of a surreal feeling, the ability to capture time. as i tried to own life, i found myself grounded yet lifted. i knew that this was the present, that i was not stuck in yesterday or yesteryear. i was not anticipating the horror that could be that evening or the next day, i was where i should be... but i was not living. i was staring at a clock. pulsing with each tick. accomplishing nothing. being the nobody i've allowed myself to become.

i want to learn how to live. i hate being so trite, but i don't know how to better explain it. i get caught in the past, frozen in bad memories or dreams, distracted by shortcomings and then fast forward to the pathetic tragedy that could be my future. how do i move past my self-loathing and destruction?

i ask a lot of questions, but i think it's because i want to conjure up all the mysteries that are my life.

Dr. Rosenberg

July 11th -

"Do you Know the Bible?"
to some extent
"Do you know the chapter where Abraham is asked to sacrifice his son
Isaac?"
i do
"I think that is the worst chapter ever written"

She may be one of the most interesting people I've ever met... with her "just tell me the bad things" kind of attitude in a room filled with "stupid chickens", but sitting in her "chicken" filled office gave me time to think. The appointments were short but her words were poignant. I guess those words made me think. She's one of those people who will admit that she's not necessarily the happiest, but that she gets by by telling herself that things will be okay. That has never been my forte. Of course things will be okay, but that doesn't make them better now. Maybe I'm demanding too much of myself, too much of life.
In terms of the bible story, I guess I'm all three of them. God. Abraham. Isaac. I'm telling myself that I need to sacrifice who I am. And why? To make myself a better person? To make my life more manageable? To make the world a better place? That can' be it. So what are my motivations and why am I sacrificing myself? And why would I want to become part of the worst chapter... ever?

a huge hit

i hope that everyone is doing well, or atleast better than they have been if well is too much to ask. it scares me that some of the girls i met this summer are struggling so much. it's interesting to me that we can have faith in everyone but ourselves. what makes us so different?

since i was given the "get well or don't go back to school" ultimatum, but life has been up and down. it's hard for me to stay dressed in "real clothes" - usually within a few hours i'm back in sweat pants and loose t-shirts. i'm just uncomfortable and would prefer to not see myself as i gain weight. on the plus side, this has been a pretty decent week food wise. i'm trying to eat like a did at renfrew - lots of salads, tofu and apple juice. if i'm going to do this, i want to do it right so that i don't end up just as bad but on the other side of the spectrum. not that it's any worse, but just because i feel like it's my responsibility to recover. i do wish that i could have more support or that this ultimatum and health risk had come to me before renfrew. maybe i would have gotten more out of it, tried harder, wanted it more. it makes me sad that i lost that determination, that maybe i was just fooling myself.

maybe this is the kick in the ass that i need.

o b a m a p l e a s e

four years ago today... i was an involved person. i had spent the past two weeks canvassing and making phone calls on the behalf of john kerry. at this time... i would've been standing on the street corner by the democratic headquarters in huntington with other kerry supporters.
it makes me a little sad that that isn't really me anymore. i was so into politics. i was so into life. even though i was unhappy, i was still functioning. i was helping people get registered to vote, i was sharing my opinion.
it's not that i don't care now. i care a whole lot. i just wish that i could still be that active person.