the way things are

i'm going to try to be better about posting more regularly. i think that blogging is good for me. alex explained it well by saying that although writing in my notebook is helpful, sometimes i need to get it "out there," into the world. not that i want everyone to read or know what i have to say, i guess i just need to release some things.
this new semester has already been characterized by ups and downs. familial drama is something that is hard for me to handle. the situation itself is ridiculous. basically i'm borrowing money from my grandmother and all my mom's siblings flipped their shit. money makes me uncomfortable, and i wish very much that i didn't need her support, but i do. it's sad to think that the family i loved very much could treat me and my mother so negatively, let alone treat my grandmother as if she is an invalid (which she certainly is not).
once again, my wonderful sister stood up for me (quite fiercely). i'm grateful to have the wonderful immediate family that i have. they've put up with my through all my shit and still uphold the "don't fuck with my sister/daughter" attitude.

i want this year to be better. i suppose that there isn't much i would change about the last year, it was long and at time difficult and painful, but in retrospect, many wonderful things came out of it. of course there are things i regret -- i wish i had talked to/seen julia more, i wish i had gone to her funeral, i wish i had the energy to be a better friend -- but there are a lot of things that i am grateful for.

i pray that in this new year i will grab ahold of healthy opportunities and that i can learn, at least a little bit, that how to cope in healthier ways. i know that i'm not going to change, that i'm not going to wake up happy, and that it will probably be a long time before i appreciate my body. but maybe i can take some steps towards being okay with myself.
moreover, i hope that this year will bring good things to the people i love so dearly. i know too many people who are struggling. i wish so much that i could help.