it's hard for me to believe that it's 2009, that time has managed to pass so quickly yet so slowly. it's been almost 6 months since i left renfrew, and my life has fluctuated up and down since my departure. when i left i was hopeful, scared but hopeful. i crashed in september and didn't climb out of my hole until late november. to this day i long to crash again. to be sick, to be good at being sick. but i can't be. there's so much that relies on me not being sick.
i look at myself everday and think that i am a failure. that i was no good at being ill yet no good at being well. i look at each of my "urges" as a weakness, each of my slips as a blessing yet a let down. i am conflicted and grateful that i don't own a full length mirror. i try to remind myself that i am so proud of the women i talk to everyday for pushing through, for fighting even when they don't want to fight anymore. i would never call them failures. i would never judge them because of their lapses, and i am lucky enough to have them, girls that would never judge me. girls who express faith in me.
with february comes "love your body month". a celebration of women and men who have defeated their eating disorders, a memorium for all those who have suffered and died. some days i wish that i could celebrate the month and be proud of who i am and what i have done. other days i find myself thinking that life would be easier if i let it all go.
regardless, i hope that this month gives the girls i love faith in themselves. it is an inspiration to hear from women who have overcome their eating disorders. i pray that each of you can use this month to find something wonderful in your and that you find the strength to hold on to it for dear life. this can be a dear life.
8 years ago
